Navigating Setbacks

I overslept this morning. The report due to my boss today is missing. My flight home got cancelled. I didn’t hit my quota this month. The promotion at work went to the other person. The dishwasher leaked water all over the kitchen. I wrecked the car last night. My company just announced more layoffs.

We all suffer setbacks in life. Some small and easy to manage. Some large and more life changing. Youth also face setbacks, disappointments, and failures throughout their lives.

Missing the bus
Not getting a good score on the math test
Not getting invited to THE party
Failing the driver’s test

And if they play in a sport, they will likely suffer setbacks there as well…

Not having a good practice, or not being able to perform a desired move
Missing the game winning shot
Losing the big game/race, or not even being in the big game/race
Having a losing season
Not making the desired team, or not making a team at all

This last one is timely, as the end of the Spring season often tends to provide more reflection on success and failure, achievements and setbacks. Many athletes have finished the Tryout/Team Formation portion of the club calendar and our older players are just beginning HS preseason and will be coming up on more tryouts for those teams.

So, how do we help them navigate and persevere through the ups-and-downs of soccer. Note the action is NAVIGATE, not AVOID. Like us, our children are going to suffer setbacks in their journey, whether we are ready for it or not. As parents, our goal should not be to protect them from setbacks, but rather to prepare them and help them grow from them.

Here are six key actions that may assist you in being ready to successfully manage a setback.

STAY CALM – regardless of the situation, be composed, and do not overreact, and remember it is about them not you. Distressed facial expressions, tone of voice and language can make things worse for our child.

LISTEN AND EMPATHIZE – allow your child to tell their story. Let them share thoughts and feelings and acknowledge them. Do not diminish their feelings or concerns with “It’s no big deal.” “Don’t worry about it” or other attempts to make them feel better.

ENCOURAGE-remind them that this setback does not define them. Who they are is more than this one setback. Congratulate them on their efforts and their willingness to risk failing.

FIND LEARNING OPPORTUNITIES – when they are ready, talk with them about what they can learn from this. Encourage them to focus on themselves and discourage BLAMING others (coach, teammates, referees, weather, etc) for setback.
- Focus on process (skills, effort, attitude, etc) not outcomes (goals, wins, etc.)
- Focus on mental and emotional approaches to setbacks.
- How can they reset themselves to allow for success?
- What future efforts would they like to make?

SUGGEST SOMETHING FUN TO DO – it may be beneficial to engage in a fun activity “Do you want to get some ice cream?”, “I think your favorite movie is playing now”, “Let’s go get some lunch!” in order to provide an outlet for your child to remove themselves from the negative feelings they are having.
EMBRACE YOUR PLACE – not making the team an athlete hoped for does not mean the end of their development, enjoyment, or ability to achieve. Help them to identify ways that they can standout and be impactful where they are at, while they continue to strive to get to where they want to be.

Another aspect of Setbacks/Failures which is often forgotten when athletes face one of these, is the path to success or growth. It is easy to assume that an athlete who initially has success will always continue along a straight, and upward path. However, the actual path most athletes follow is far less simple. Often it is more like a roller coaster. Failure is a key component of learning, problem-solving, and eventual success. In addition, variances in growth (physical, emotional, social, and cognitive) among athletes is also occurring and is going to result in variable development patterns. These variances may also be a part of current or future setbacks, ie. no longer the strongest, the fastest, the fittest, etc.

Finally, here are two quotes from noted athletes regarding setbacks:

Failure happens all the time. It happens every day in practice. What makes you better is how you react to it. -Mia Hamm
You will miss 100% of the shots you never take. -Wayne Gretzky

Hopefully the suggested actions provided will assist you to continue in supporting your child’s efforts and goals, and provide them and yourself the opportunity to relax as you move through the ups and downs, successes and setbacks, of their development and their journey.